SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Proposed to my gf of 24 yrs xmas day 22. She said yes we have 2 kids 17 and 15.

We had a few drinks she fell asleep and went to bed . Her phone was the her phone (never had ).

I found that she was friends with a guy in all her social media playforms I noticed this a while back but didn't feel needed to act on it

Something was telling me something doesn't feel right .

Then I see she was still using snapchat . Checked through snapchat and this same guy is in her contacts as rach .

I looked through her dms with him but all was deleted except in 2018 she replied to a messge with ha ha ha , 2019 she sent another message saying no filter ha ha .

The next day I came down and said to her this guy keeps trying to add me on fb do you know him she said no , I said are you sure she said yh why … I replied well he is in your phone as rach .her face dropped . She deleted snapchat literally slly there and then .

So I got in touch with what I though was his wife and told her she said I'm not surprised I left him 2019 as he hasd social media affairs and was sleeping around .

So i messaged him on her insta account saying he knows everything wtf ?

His response lucky nothing physical happened and we only flirted off snap. I told her and I told her I know she has been physical with him .

Next day she told me one night after a night out he dropped her home and kissed her .

Thing is she knows she met him in 2012 but doesn't know how it started she admitted it started as flirting to then sending pics to each other although she only admits to topless selfies but does admit to saying stuff that was just in the moment and was fake .

He was a bouncer she met and I have also found out she went to another town in 2017 2018 and see him there but that was coincidence apparently .

I got in contact with him asked him to be honest to me .

Did u sleep with her ? No

Did you ever meet outside of work ?

Did u have any other intimate moments or anything like that his response was listen I'm.not answering anymore questions .. Talk to your wife and if you don't believe her that's not my problem he said .

Is there more to this ?

My gut says so ..I believe it's ended we have made an effort but something inside me won't go away

2012 to 2022

Any advice would be great

Hi Scoobymac,

I would recommend posting this in JFO forum- if you ask the mods, they can move it for you.

In JFO, other BS's can help give you guidance on what to do post Dday.

I HATE snapchat. I'm a fWW and I used that during my A and my H now uses it to talk to his EA AP. Although he's since cut her out... mostly.

Anyway, toxic friendships like this are the slippery slope to full blown A. It sounds like she's got an EA at least with this guy and at VERY likely physical involvement with him as well.

A friendship can become an EA when there's:
-lying to protect the relationship
-hiding of contact
-secrecy of any sort around the relationship.

My H still has not arranged for me to meet his "friend." He decided to cut her out instead of bring the 2 of us together. I'm a firm believer (now) that a spouse has a right to meet their spouse's friends when:
-there's a potential for attraction between the 2
-there's no other legitimate connection (work, volunteering) for them to meet
-there's personal correspondence between the 2 that the other spouse isn't privy to.

I mean, if this guy is "just a friend," why not share her friendship with him with her. If there's no need for worry, there's no need for secrecy.

This site usually recommends reading, "Not Just Friends" to newbies here. I'd recommend you both read it together. It was an eye opener for me, for sure.

Good luck, I'm sorry you're part of the best club noone wishes to belong to.

Yes, JFO forum might get more responses than here in general. The book Not Just Friends is a good resource you might consider both reading.

She went to another town and saw him by coincidence? What was the reason for going in the first place? Did she reveal this or did you discover it?

His responses may be true but someone like that is prone to lying. If your first message to him, posing as your wife, was not pre-empted by your wife in some way then I guess that message is more likely to be truthful. But how did she explain the kiss? Why was he dropping her off at all?

And how is she acting now about this?

Welcome to SI and so sorry you had to find us. In the Just Found Out (JFO) forum, there are some threads pinned at the top which contain a lot of good information for people beginning to navigate through infidelity. The Healing Library also contains a ton of good information, including a list of the abbreviations we use. There are some threads in the I Can Relate (ICR) forum that you may find helpful, too.

There's a book called How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald that your WW should read, as it's a blueprint for what she needs to do. It would be good for you to read it, too. It's around 100 pages, so it isn't a huge book.

Unfortunately, cheaters lie a lot, and then they lie some more. If your gut is telling you more, it can be a couple of things. Your gut is right and there is more, or your brain is scrambled by the trauma and you're looking for any signs of more issues because you're feeling like you're still in danger.

I would recommend IC )individual counseling) for both of you. If you could see somebody who specializes in betrayal trauma and/or infidelity, you may find that helpful.

Is there more to this ?

My gut says so .

Have her write out a timeline of her affair that also includes any other inappropriate behavior since you’ve been exclusive. Tell her it will be verified by polygraph. Follow through, even if you get a parking lot confession.

Migrander wrote :
"...A friendship can become an EA when there's:
-lying to protect the relationship
-hiding of contact
-secrecy of any sort around the relationship...

... I'm a firm believer (now) that a spouse has a right to meet their spouse's friends when:
-there's a potential for attraction between the 2
-there's no other legitimate connection (work, volunteering) for them to meet
-there's personal correspondence between the 2 that the other spouse isn't privy to."

Thank you very much Migrander.
It's just what I'm stuck on right now.
Friendship (W's version)/EA (my version), where does it start and where does it end?

She met him another town on a night out but says they pre plan it .

As for his response when I messaged him off her Instagram , this is what is running through my head at this time I caught her was on sc so his response was a bit weird, considering it was just a kiss any she got caught on snap but everytime i question it she says I don't know why he put that. I believe something more happened at the time of the kiss . I've asked her to do a lie test and she said what if it comes back inconclusive .

They didn't pre plan it yet this was 2017 2018 and last message I see was 2019 and that was saved on snap so only reason y I see it ....

Yet he said to me

It started many yrs ago
Been going on for many yrs but was only flirting .
And last few yrs just been hi how's work .

When I question all these things to her she goes quite and distant ..

As for dates she can't remember much only meeting him in 2012 he was added to her social media's in 2012 2013 2015 and snap .

Snap he was the only one that could see her location when I question that she doesn't know why

Im a mug

I've asked her to do a lie test and she said what if it comes back inconclusive.

Well, there's your answer. She already lied about knowing this guy and is likely lying now. Have her take the test and tell her you divorce if she lies. That may (probably will) lead to a parking lot confession, and then you have more of the truth. Or, she takes the test and passes, then you have something to work with.

Scoobymac21

Get the book "Cheating in a Nutshell"

Should help you with your perspective of how your current situation got to where it is.

Scooby, your instincts, gut and wit uniquely provide you with tools needed to survive. Stay stealthy and follow the strategy and timing of experienced people here and you'll be fine.

In the movie "It's a Wonderful Life" if you recall George doubted the angel's fortelling, but after seeing many things come to fruition, he started to follow the Angel's words and eventually leaned on him to right things om his life.

Wild example I know, but it's the only thing that came to my mind at this time, to reinforce the fact that the collective experience of many (but not all) SI members is 100% capble of leading you to survive and possibly thrive . Bottom line, listen closely and execute.

It started many yrs ago
Been going on for many yrs but was only flirting .
And last few yrs just been hi how's work

No adult just flirts for a decade without any payoff. They are both lying. Theytake you for a fool, which means at this juncture you really have nothing to work with

Go see a Lawyer about the kids and do not marry her.

Hi Scooby

I asked that you read it in the healing library. There are a Number for really good articles there for you.

Based on what you told us, I expected that she is giving you trickle to truth, essentially telling you only what she needs to. This can go on for a long time. Some of us never get the truth in it’s entirety. It does seem that almost all cheaters do this.

It took me about three months to get all of the truth. Scratch that to get 80% of the truth. Even after I had it all, there was more the same day. A year later I found out more. And as we separated, I found out more.

This is a very emotional time, you need to take care of yourself. Physically and mentally. You also need to decide how you will approach this. Your Partner is clearly not going to open up yet. She needs to for your relationship to survive.

I am sorry that you were going through this. When I first joined, I didn’t believe everything that was provided or said to me. But in general, the advice and the predictions were bang on.

Your partner needs to want to relationship. My ex for the first three months was a complete jerk. He would go quiet, he would yell and punch the wall, he slammed things, yelled and screamed at me. These were not normal. Even talked about suicide. It is an incredibly stressful situation for everyone. you may want to consider finding a counsellor for yourself, it’s so emotionally difficult, any kind of support you can get is helpful.

Please find some support, keep posting and take care of yourself.

Bumping bc you reposted this in JFO.

All I can say is trust your gut. IMO they're both lying. There's a lot more to the affair that she's not willing to tell you.

A polygraph is in order.

  Moving to Just Found Out